I am to scared to sleep

Once my eyes are closed and I think I’m drifting I find I’m not asleep nor awake. somewhere In between, I’m in an unsafe place. I can’t move my body it is weighed down I scream at my body to move but nothing happens. I need to get away because the Images are coming sharp and heavy. Their no forgiveness in images they are brutal but real they are not forgiving they want cause me pain.

I feel as I’m drowning from all the emotion as the Images happen how can I process each one they are to fast for me to grip on to but each one worse then the next.

All I can think why someone won’t come and save me from this torture. Surly my partner C can hear me screaming. Perhaps iv been abandoned because that’s what I deserve.

Eventually my body jolt up, I start to shake and then the screams begin but this time the screams can be heard out loud.

You say that you love me

You say that you love me,
that you care,
that you would protect,
that I am important to you
and If I was gone you would be devastated.

They are all empty words, they mean nothing when you choose to hurt me. When you say I am plotting against you!!

Therapy

I have been struggling for years to find the right therapist. I have had so many that I have lost count (sadly I’m not exaggerating). For me finding the right therapist seems to be a mission in its self and some how they manage to do more harm then good.

Last year before Christmas I decided enough was enough and I need help. Trying my best to be positive hoping that this experience would be better this time round I made another attempt. However things did not go to plan!!

I found R to be cold and have tendencies to push me to point that was far to much for me to cope with. I remember the silences used just carry on . I’m the kind of person that I will literally sit their in silence because I am far to scared to talk.

I had tried discussing these issues with R only to get no where. The way it seemed to me was she was quiet happy to push and push but when I would resist she would get frustrated. For me I have to go at a pace that is comfortable for me which was never taken in to consideration by her.

The last session I ever had with her was the final straw for me. I was struggling that day usually I hide behind a mask unfortunately I was not able to do that day. I feel in way she saw the real me. Clearly the real me was rejected but anyway I spent all of the session on the floor as I felt safer curled up. I was extremely hyper vigilant the only thing that was bringing any comfort was the blanket I had packed in my bag. Texture of the the blanket was very grounding to me. I couldn’t stop crying because I felt I was full to the brim with pain and to top it of I felt like I was on the ceiling looking down for most of the session.

As you Probably can picture I was mostly likely going to struggle to talk however this seemed to just frustrate her even more . At this point I couldn’t quiet understand what she was saying so it’s very likely I miss understood what I got from her was she couldn’t work with me any more. This set of a panic attack even though just before it I had muttered that I’m not sure if I have understood you correctly.

The reason this set of the panic attack was of my fear of being abandoned and rejected.

I could feel the panic attack coming on at the beginning of the session so it was no surprise that it did really. Her misunderstood words and my insecurities just opened the gate.

What happened next was what confirmed for me that I was not going to see her ever again. For 20 or so minutes I went through the panic attack she said nothing not even one thing to help me she also did nothing. When the panic attack died down and I was left with just sobbing the only words she said was your time is up see you next week!! I got up and for some strange reason I thanked her !! I left the building still sobbing and trying find my way back to the train station .

After that session I have never seen her it took her a week to email me to say you can talk to me on the phone if you need to because clearly things aren’t good for you I needed the support a week ago not a week later!!

However recently I had made a rough plan to start therapy again with someone new in August but with all drama with my placement it looks like it will have to be pushed back and my needs will be shoved aside once again. This is something I need and am finding it frustrating having to put my needs in tiny box. This been bothering me for weeks as I feel that I really could do with support at the moment.

Thank you for reading

M xx

Terrified

Last night was cluttered with terror thanks to the nightmare I was stuck with. The dream has some what faded but still parts of it are lingering around. Which are causing waves of terror now and then . All I really want to do today is hide under my blanket to keep safe. However somehow I have managed find the energy to drag my self to the gym to try keep my mind of things unfortunately it was not a permanent fix.

What is lingering from the dream is that there was a women in my dream who was screaming it was one those ear piercing scream full of terror. I felt like I was observing from the outside unable to move or help I can’t even start to separate what happened to her because for one it’s jumbled two it far to terrifying for me even talk about. I’m not even sure what my brain is trying to tell me because clearly it is first it was flashbacks now the nightmares.

Thanks for reading

M xx

Update- Smells part one

Smell is such powerful thing as it can bring back happy memories as well one that are not pleasant. For me the smell of roses are the most grounding and comforting as it reminds me of being a child and playing in the garden near the rose bushes. I used to spend allot of time there as a child the smell of the roses were so comforting and I felt free when I was in the garden.

However today I opened one my packages that arrived. I had been waiting for some oils for my fragrance lamp. I had ordered a black raspberry scent and two other oils. When I smelt the black raspberry my stomach immediately tightened and tears started form. I couldn’t even understand why I was reacting this way. Instead of putting the bottle down like I should of I sat there sniffing it because I couldn’t seem to part with it.

Well when it eventually did come to me about what was setting it all of I remembered it smelt like someone I used to be very close to. She was friend and one point was more then a friend. The oil smelt exactly way her hair would. I could never pin what that smell was until today.

The tightening of my stomach has gone but it’s left dull pain behind in its place. I feel pain coursing through my body in all other places as well . I can’t seem to part with bottle when I know I should.

The truth is though I am so angry at the way she treated me. Having all this time to reflect back and realise how manipulative she could be how stupid I was to let it happen angers me more. Though I am angry unfortunately deep down I miss her and want her back in my life.

I’m not sure weather this is because I feel I deserve the way she treated me or there another reason . All I know for sure is I’m stuck with this pain for today.

12 things I’m grateful for

I decided to do this as a positive activity. Hoping it would lessen my anxiety about today. A big Thank you to Zoe for the idea 😀

So here it goes my 12 things:

1. My partner C
2. My Guinea pigs
3. My best friend J
4. Raggy J’s 4 legged fury baby (yes you guessed it the most precious dog) 🙂
5. That I am a survivor
6. For all of you WordPress bloggers because I really appreciate your support
7. My safe haven which is my flat
8. For the little bit of sight I do have
9. For having a comfy bed. yes this might sound a bit odd but there was a time that I didn’t have a bed for over a month and I was sleeping on a mattress topper on a concrete floor.
10. Having access to food and water. When I first had to leave my mother’s home after the incident that occurred. I was moved in to emergency accommodation I had no access water and food for a short while.
11. My comfy blanket
12. Getting this far on my social work course

Thank you for reading

Mixed feelings

Tomorrow is my last lecture for my social work course . Though I have an exam, placement and Research project to finish before I graduate.

I’m left with a mixture of feelings and an overwhelming feeling of feeling miserable. Last year I pictured my self be happy and looking forward to starting new chapter in my life . Things are so unclear and unstable for me that I’m frightened of the unknown which become my future.

Thanks for reading !! I will be posting another post soon in regards to what has been going on in past few days for me.

M xx

Liebster Blog Award

I have nominated :

crazy in the coconut

behind the mask of abuse

the power of silence

many of us blog

nothinginmynoggin

a victims journal

shedding the light on darkness

my minds inside <a href="http://

my travels with depression

living while healing

C PTSD- A way out

Rules for accepting the award

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you

2. Answer the 11 questions given to you

3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 500 followers

4. Post 11 questions for your nominees to answer

5. Tag your nominees and post a comment on their blog to let them know you nominated them.

My questions are:
1.Who do you write for?
2.If the internet went down would you still continue to write?
3.What do you wish the world understood about domestic abuse?
4.What would you say is the biggest passion in your life?
5.Have you ever told a lie on your blog?
6.What type of blogs do you like?
7.If you could have a dinner party with 10 famous figures dead or alive who would they be?
8.What do you think is the best thing about blogging?
9.Describe your personality in three words.
10.Name one person who has made a significant impact on your life.

The Liebster Award

Thank you to Sunshine for nominating me for this award. I really appreciate it 😀 xx

11 questions you asked

1.What is the best thing about you?

That I absolutely adore animals 🙂

2.What time of day do you blog?

usually early morning or late night

3.How many revisions does it take before you finally publish?

far to many I usually loose count!!

4.Who is/was the most influential person in your life
That’s hard one to narrow to one person as I have several and cant really choose between them.

1. my Partner C
2. My Bestie J
3. A teacher that I used to know from secondary school

5.In one word describe yourself
friendly

6.Where do you see yourself one year from now?
At this moment I have no idea. I did now before things became a nightmare.

7.What is your favourite social media?
Facebook

8.What type of blogs do you follow?
1. survivors of abuse
2. individuals experiencing PTSD and depression

9.What is the motivating factor for you to blog?
For me to have safe place to write my feelings

10.How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it
A place where are share my thoughts and feelings about my experiences

11.What have you learned about yourself from blogging?
That I do enjoy wetting and I can use it as helpful tool in processing my emotions and feelings

The blue sea

I feel as cold as the sea, unpredictable as the sea. Never knowing what my mood will be. Im high and low but not in between.

I’m exhausted from this journey from being high to low I just need to sleep. I need to hide, I need to disappear, I need to be free. Will someone just give me what I need.

Numbness

Iv been awake since half 8. I did 30 minutes of reading, I showered, I fed the Guinea pigs and that was Probably roughly 45 minutes of my time spent showering and feeding my babies. That roughly brings me up to 9.45. Somehow the next time I checked my watch it was 11.10 how on earth have I managed to loose so much time. I’m not aware what I did in between .

This feeling of not knowing scares me. I feel like I’m loosing my sanity or there something extremely wrong with me.

I haven’t been feeling much of anything lately the days just blur in to each other like one big giant ball. I didn’t do much of anything yesterday apart from getting my hair cut. I’m just sort of just existing at moment I can’t seem to handle anything more then that. I keep sitting in one place for hours at time and unable to move but in least i know where I am unlike this morning experience.