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I am to scared to sleep

Once my eyes are closed and I think I’m drifting I find I’m not asleep nor awake. somewhere In between, I’m in an unsafe place. I can’t move my body it is weighed down I scream at my body to move but nothing happens. I need to get away because the Images are coming sharp and heavy. Their no forgiveness in images they are brutal but real they are not forgiving they want cause me pain.

I feel as I’m drowning from all the emotion as the Images happen how can I process each one they are to fast for me to grip on to but each one worse then the next.

All I can think why someone won’t come and save me from this torture. Surly my partner C can hear me screaming. Perhaps iv been abandoned because that’s what I deserve.

Eventually my body jolt up, I start to shake and then the screams begin but this time the screams can be heard out loud.

You say that you love me

You say that you love me,
that you care,
that you would protect,
that I am important to you
and If I was gone you would be devastated.

They are all empty words, they mean nothing when you choose to hurt me. When you say I am plotting against you!!

Therapy

I have been struggling for years to find the right therapist. I have had so many that I have lost count (sadly I’m not exaggerating). For me finding the right therapist seems to be a mission in its self and some how they manage to do more harm then good.

Last year before Christmas I decided enough was enough and I need help. Trying my best to be positive hoping that this experience would be better this time round I made another attempt. However things did not go to plan!!

I found R to be cold and have tendencies to push me to point that was far to much for me to cope with. I remember the silences used just carry on . I’m the kind of person that I will literally sit their in silence because I am far to scared to talk.

I had tried discussing these issues with R only to get no where. The way it seemed to me was she was quiet happy to push and push but when I would resist she would get frustrated. For me I have to go at a pace that is comfortable for me which was never taken in to consideration by her.

The last session I ever had with her was the final straw for me. I was struggling that day usually I hide behind a mask unfortunately I was not able to do that day. I feel in way she saw the real me. Clearly the real me was rejected but anyway I spent all of the session on the floor as I felt safer curled up. I was extremely hyper vigilant the only thing that was bringing any comfort was the blanket I had packed in my bag. Texture of the the blanket was very grounding to me. I couldn’t stop crying because I felt I was full to the brim with pain and to top it of I felt like I was on the ceiling looking down for most of the session.

As you Probably can picture I was mostly likely going to struggle to talk however this seemed to just frustrate her even more . At this point I couldn’t quiet understand what she was saying so it’s very likely I miss understood what I got from her was she couldn’t work with me any more. This set of a panic attack even though just before it I had muttered that I’m not sure if I have understood you correctly.

The reason this set of the panic attack was of my fear of being abandoned and rejected.

I could feel the panic attack coming on at the beginning of the session so it was no surprise that it did really. Her misunderstood words and my insecurities just opened the gate.

What happened next was what confirmed for me that I was not going to see her ever again. For 20 or so minutes I went through the panic attack she said nothing not even one thing to help me she also did nothing. When the panic attack died down and I was left with just sobbing the only words she said was your time is up see you next week!! I got up and for some strange reason I thanked her !! I left the building still sobbing and trying find my way back to the train station .

After that session I have never seen her it took her a week to email me to say you can talk to me on the phone if you need to because clearly things aren’t good for you I needed the support a week ago not a week later!!

However recently I had made a rough plan to start therapy again with someone new in August but with all drama with my placement it looks like it will have to be pushed back and my needs will be shoved aside once again. This is something I need and am finding it frustrating having to put my needs in tiny box. This been bothering me for weeks as I feel that I really could do with support at the moment.

Thank you for reading

M xx

Terrified

Last night was cluttered with terror thanks to the nightmare I was stuck with. The dream has some what faded but still parts of it are lingering around. Which are causing waves of terror now and then . All I really want to do today is hide under my blanket to keep safe. However somehow I have managed find the energy to drag my self to the gym to try keep my mind of things unfortunately it was not a permanent fix.

What is lingering from the dream is that there was a women in my dream who was screaming it was one those ear piercing scream full of terror. I felt like I was observing from the outside unable to move or help I can’t even start to separate what happened to her because for one it’s jumbled two it far to terrifying for me even talk about. I’m not even sure what my brain is trying to tell me because clearly it is first it was flashbacks now the nightmares.

Thanks for reading

M xx